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Saturday, March 26, 2016

Anxiety


It's the feeling I have because I have a doctors appointment this morning. It's nothing but a routine checkup, I think the word 'doctor' just generally makes me feel this way.

It's the feeling I get when I'm walking around and I catch one or two people staring at me and I convince myself everyone around me is now staring for some unknown reason. I begin to feel so self conscious and worry something about my outfit or the way I look is causing people to stare, and when I find a mirror next I'll realise what it was they were staring at and die of embarrassment. I get this feeling particularly bad when I'm walking around University and the level of discomfort I feel sometimes is almost unbearable.

It's the feeling I get when I have to call up to make an order or get in touch with a company, because I know it's a stranger who will be answering the phone.

It's the feeling I get while sitting in class and the teacher asks a question and the room goes silent and I fear I might have to answer (even if I know the answer).

It's the feeling I get when I'm taking photos and people stop and watch what I'm doing.

It's the feeling I get when I know I'm about to walk into, or already am, in a situation where there will be people I don't know but will need to make conversation with. I know I'll struggle to think of things to ask or talk about and I fear my silence will make them think I'm weird or be mistaken for me being rude.

It's the feeling I get when I think about my current freelancing situation (or lack of it).

It's the feeling I get if I sit and think to much about the fact we all have to die one day and we really have no idea exactly what will happen when that day comes.

It's the feeling I get about having to go places alone ... and so much more.


Anxiety is a topic I feel a lot of bloggers and YouTubers talk about, and it seems a lot of them have it. Maybe we're all just kidding ourselves, or maybe this type of environment attracts those with the problem because it's a safe way for us to tackle the issue and do something productive in life without having to constantly be at the mercy of it.

I'm not sure if any of this would actually be medically diagnosed as anxiety, or whether I've just got it in my head, after watching and reading so many other people's descriptions of it, that I do. I'm not in any way denoting this issue because it is that, an issue, which many people deal and suffer with on a daily basis. I guess I'm not sure if I truely do, or that simply because I found myself somewhat resonating with what others had to say that I believe I do. All I know is that I do feel extremely uncomfortable, sometimes borderline terrified and ready to turn and run, in the above situations.

However I do also want to note that with some of things I mentioned above, I am getting better, such as having to go places alone or having to talk to strangers on the phone. There are also some situations that I've found I'm completely cured of feeling overly anxious about. I use to have anxiety over driving, particularly on new, unknown roads. It wasn't something I really realised until I would reach my destination and turn off the engine. Then I would feel how tightly my hands were gripping the steering wheel and how fast my heart was pounding. I use to have anxiety about having to do an interview. This is one of the more crazy ones when you consider what I've been doing for a living for the past few years and what I want to do with the rest of my life. However I think the constant throwing of myself into this situation because I simply had to helped me.

I don't know if I have anxiety, and I definitely can't tell whoever is reading this if they do. I guess I mainly wanted to share this post because 1; I don't know if many people in my day-to-day life would realise how often I am feeling uncomfortable and scared (for lack of a better word) because I like to think I can hide it pretty well. 2; I want others to know it's okay and you're not alone if you ever feel like this in any of the above situations or any other time.

Being anxious and having anxiety is a real thing, and I guess we can all suffer from different levels of it. Just keep on pushing, keep on doing, and things get better.




5 comments:

  1. I can really relate to this post. I know what you mean about us all "kidding ourselves" because sometimes it does seem a bit much, like we all just need to get over ourselves but then I stop and think, no... because you can't dismiss genuine anxiety. We all know that's not how it works! Go you for working your way through things, I'm in the process of it too :) It's true what they say I think, about facing your fears straight on.

    Great post and fab blog too :) Terri x

    https://thecactusmag.wordpress.com/

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    1. Aww thank you Terri , and yeah I think it's easy for people outside of you to think you're being overdramatic and not understand - which can make it even more upsetting when you're looking for comfort from someone during a rough patch - but I think it's post like these and ensuring us we're not alone that help the most sometimes :) xx.

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  2. Can totally relate.

    moremindfulyou.blogspot.com

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  3. loved this beautiful honest post. you are not alone, great you have such honest awareness so early on. all growth begins with awareness. try to remember when you think everyone is looking at you, chances are, they are not, people are so self-involved they are busy worrying what you think of them, not actually judging you. so many people run around thinking every funny look they get is someone else's judgement about them but the truth is the funny look came from someone else stressed about their own condition, it's not about you. you are perfectly imperfect, embrace who you are, anxiety and all. after all anxiety, when reframed is excitement! (not taking away from severe anxiety which is just fricken horrible but it still talks to a new awareness).

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    1. you say beautiful post, i say damn beautiful comment! thank you Kylie! Your comment just made me think that today I had a bad case of anxiety when running around doing errands convinced everyone was staring at me and that every laughing person I walked past was them laughing at me (sounds ridiculous but it's crazy how convinced you are that, that's what's happening). But I tried to do what you said and think that that more than likely they didn't even really notice me walk past and that people aren't staring at me, that I'm just working myself up - sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't - but it's all progress and learning xx.

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